Wicked Little Town

Open Wide!

Remind me not to have any emergency dental work done while I am in North Carolina this week. A dentist from the Charlotte area allegedly "tricked" several female patients into swallowing his semen during their examinations.

Interestingly, these fine Southern gentlewomen seem to be very up on what cum smells and tastes like:

The first, a 40-year-old woman, said she objected when Hall began to put a substance from a syringe into her mouth during a procedure on Sept. 4, telling him: "That smells like sperm." (Love the good doctor's reply, by the way: "You're crazy!" Ha! Pot, meet kettle.)

And later:

While the assistant was gone, she said Hall told her to lie back, open her mouth and swallow.
"When I swallowed I tasted it, and it was semen. ... He told me it was cleaning solution." (Yeah, which would have been SO much tastier! "That wasn't cum you crazy bitch, it was Lysol! Duh!")

Also love the patient who "claims [Hall] jumped on top of her in the dental chair and 'began to gyrate against her lower body in a sexual manner.'" How exactly did he explain that one? Did he tell her that dry humping is the new flossing? My dentist is in Chelsea, for chrissake and even I haven't encountered that trick. (Although, if he were hot, I may not complain. Much.)

>Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patient's Mouths [NBC5.com News]

You're The One For Me, Fatty

Showtime announced today that it has okayed production on a new project starring recently bloated celebrity Kirstie Alley, appropriately titled, "Fat Actress."

Props to Showtime -- not for giving Kirstie the shot at a much-needed comeback, but rather for the concise name of the show. Not too much confusion over what this one's about, eh?

And if this turns out to be a hit, we can look forward to:

Gwyneth Paltrow in "Untalented Loser,"

Catherine Zeta-Jones in "Obnoxious Bitch,"

and my favorite...Ben Affleck in "Boring Asshole."

That Should Teach Her

I saw this on Gawker.com today and thought it was fucking brilliant. I *heart* revenge antics like this that are simple in their execution yet significant in their consequences.

People who can't keep their pie holes shut during public performances suck, and I hope this idiot stepped in a big, squishy pile of poo on her way home to the Upper East Side.

Guess Who's Back?

After a several-week absence from blogging, I have finally found a few spare moments to sit down and write a lil' sumpin sumpin. My sincere apologies to anyone who has been waiting with baited breath to read my next hysterically genius post. Sorry to disappoint both of you!

Anyhoo, life has been pretty crazy lately: my apartment move was lengthy, exhausting and expensive, but I am pretty much settled in now and getting adjusted to my new home, and work has been hectic as all hell, but in a good way. I feel like I am being productive, having fun and learning a lot. Wow, was that just my bitter ass actually looking at the bright side of something? Who knew?! Also, I have started seeing someone on a fairly regular basis -- meaning actual, multiple dates -- so that has kept me busy as well. In fact, once we start having sex, it's highly unlikely that I will ever log back onto the Internet again! Jus' keeeedin'!

So, what has motivated me to jump back onto the ol' blog? Believe it or not...JACKO!

Apparently, Michael Jackson has paid another idiot to bear more of his children. Some wench in Florida is expecting quadruplets. I guess the three he already has are getting too old for his tastes. I am flabbergasted, to say the least. Aren't there laws prohibiting accused child molesters from breeding, at least until after their trial? This greedy bitch needs to have her tubes tied, or snatch sewn up, or something. And MJ had better stop eating that big bowl of crazy for breakfast every morning, 'cause enough is enough! Bitch, please!

>Report: Michael Jackson to Be Father of Quadruplets [Yahoo! News]

Celeb Sighting (Well, Kinda)

Went to see "Spiderman 2" last night at the small theater in my 'hood, and stood in line behind Michael Showalter, a not well-known actor/comedian who has appeared in "The State," on MTV years ago, and in the hysterical movie "Wet Hot American Summer." He also played the part of Andie's father in the "Soundtracks Live" spoof of "Pretty in Pink" I saw a few months ago at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. Really funny guy.

He was there with 4 friends and was by far the least annoying of his group. The rest were obnoxious aging hipster posers, but he seemed really cool. He just needs new friends.

I feel guilty about not having updated in a while, but things have been crazy with work and the impending move. Hopefully within the next week and a half things will calm down and I will have some time to hop online and bitch about something!